I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Randomize
