When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
