She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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