i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
