He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
