dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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