I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
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Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
why is half of my head shaved?
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