I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
