I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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