I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
