dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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