dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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