im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
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