So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
