sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
