Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
