she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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