and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize
