i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Randomize
