As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
