Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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