I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
