He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
