My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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