Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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