Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
