I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
