i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
