just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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