i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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