in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
