then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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