Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
