Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
