vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.