she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
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It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
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Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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