I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
