we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Randomize
