i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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