How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
