god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
