I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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