we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
