Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
