Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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