Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
