What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
