He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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