Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
