Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
