I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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