She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
