Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
