Farmville is her only friend.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
