Soap is not a condiment
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
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