I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
