You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
