I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
